Blah !: March 2006

Friday, March 31

,

After a long time, I sat on a swing and was swinging away to glory for about half an hour, in a park in Kottur Gardens. I had lived there when I was in my 5th standard. I threw away my slippers and felt my feet sink into the sand as I sat down. When I clutched the chain, it was only automatic to let go of thoughts. Actually felt as if the world was swinging for me. I closed my eyes to get ready to fly. A distant tape-recorder was playing some random english numbers. Matched together with light gentle waft of breeze, swinging the braches of nearby tree in a rhythm corresponding to mine. It was my orchestra. Felt free. Childish. And more than anything, alive :)

I am listening to "We can be heroes, just for one day" by Wallflowers.

Perfect.

Thursday, March 30

Love,

simple yet so complicated
a fairytale yet so natural
forever yet so shortlived
popular yet so secretive
abundant yet so scarce
free yet so priceless
common yet so rare
a dream yet so real
close yet so distant
human yet so divine
old yet so new

Wednesday, March 29

Sunday Story - From Ashok

I had mentioned about the ashram visit earlier in my blog. Click here to read it. We had super fun. My friend Ashok, who organised the whole lot, wrote this mail to all of us. Wanted to post it.

"Sometimes we feel that we are small and helpless and we cannot do anything to make the world a better place to live in. What you say and what you do, does make a difference. It is not the famous or 'big' people who really make a difference to our world. But those who are very ordinary like you and me, those who feel a need to do something for others.

As Sunday, 26th March dawned bright and sunny, we a group of 13 volunteers gathered for a cause in Andhra Mahila Sabha, a place for 160(approx) kids (mentally / physically challenged) studying below 10th Std. They provide the kids with food, education, medication & shelter. We sponsored the breakfast, evening snack and the dinner for the day.

11:30 AM

We kick started the day with drawing competitions for the 7th, 8th & 9th Std students. The enthusiasm, zeal & skill they displayed was far beyond words can explain.

1:00 PM

With a prayer song from the kids, we started to serve them with the lunch.

2:30 PM

Few of our friends started applying mehendhi and nail polish for all the girls out there. We guys split ourselves with the boys and were talking/chatting and catching up with them. The girls got so excited getting their nails polished and seeing the mehndi. This is when we gotta know more about them, their hobbies, their favorite movie stars etc.

I have to make a special mention about Narashimalu who was there, who has been featured in Sun TV & Jaya TV for his oustanding determination. He showed us few samples which he had done in Macromedia FLASH. All animations. He's done his 6 months course in APTECH. He's physically challenged and he used only his legs to do all this. He was operating the mouse, using his toe! Not only this, he has also mastered the art of painting. The paintings which he showed us were master pieces. We were speechless. He also has ideas of exhibiting his paintings. We were all astonished to see the amount of determination he had to acheive things. On a personal note, I had goosebumps when I witnessed his capability

4:00 PM

It was time to serve the kids with some evening snack. We had ordered cakes for all the kids with some biscuits and choclates. With the snacks, we also announced the prize winners of the drawing competions. All the 10th Std kids were given Geometry boxes keeping in mind their board exams. All the kids were given a Pen, Pencil, Eraser and a sharpner.

In addition to the kids, there's another block wherein physically challenged women were given training on sewing, hand work etc. We went to that unit as well and distributed a set of Pen, Pencil, Eraser and a sharpner. Since we kept this unit also in mind whil ordering cakes, we had enough number of cakes to distribute.

Then it was time to say good bye to all of them. We had a great time with the kids out there. And am sure the kids too had a great time with us. With no mood to part, we left the place leaving our hearts with the kids saying bye to all of us.

I would like to thank each and everyone of you from my bottom of my heart who have contributed generously for this noble cause. Last but not the least, I have no words to thank all the volunteers who spent ample time with all the kids.

My special thanks to Varma, who co-ordinated with all our onsite friends and managed to pull in 20,000 plus. Great Job dude! Varma, please forward this mail to all our friends at onsite.

Hats off to all of you.

WE DID MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

This is not D-end of story. We will be going to another ashram sometime soon. For all those who couldn't make it this time, don't worry, join us next time. Will keep you all posted.
Regards,

Ashok

Tuesday, March 28

Intensity

In every flame
that hugs you warm,
that lights up darkness,
there lies a fire to be aroused

In every wind,
that whispers secrets from the beyond,
there lies a hail to be prevoked

In every wave,
that rushes to kiss your feet,
there lies a storm to be awakened

In every heart
where there is love,
there hides hatred
that when evoked destroy
not others but thyself

Monday, March 27

Yesterday

Yesterday, after meeting my friend at a restaurant, wanted to take an auto back home. But then, started walking. I walked seeing the bright signboards that decorated our city. Those flash lights, advertisements suddenly seemed very insignificant when I looked at the sky. There they were, the silent stars, blinking at us. For anyone who cared to look. Before I realised I had covered quite a long distance. Still did not have mind to take the auto. So I continued. As I turned at a corner, I saw myself facing a popular cinema theatre. Was very crowded. Could hear raucous laughter from random corners. When I went past it, I saw myself over there, one in the crowd, she seem to wave at me. I smiled back. Still walking. Thinking,
(It is a very important day for me because, I have to take a decision. About my career. Pick between two. A choice. Both are close to my heart, have its own advantages and disadvantages, still..)
The route that I had taken was one of the most travelled in my life. So it was more like looking back at the past and regarding the present with each step clashing at the same time. And I walked. The roads were curving. Th traffic, rushing. Lights blurring. So were my thoughts.
(It's like a tennis court, you know. The ball is bouncing back and forth with equal speed. Life seems very green. With life/envy? The net seems to be tiring. And the ball is been thrashed enough.)
My legs started paining. Felt like stopping. But it did not. My legs felt numb. With fatigue. But it walked as if, it knew walking to be the only action. It passed some friends houses. Some refreshment stands. Some auto stands. But it did not stop there, nor anywhere.
(Its all between passion and money. Only one can be chosen as the One. No compromise. My thoughts felt like an elongated full stop. Juggling between pedestrian crossing's blacks and whites)
I missed my bike. I could have zoomed past these artificial lights, without bothering to even look. But here I was, staring at them, my eyes blinding at the flourescent kaleidoscopes. Still walking.

Then I stopped. Looked at a building I had so loved from my childhood. My grandparents house. Something that I had sworn to buy it back. Maybe all this while, unconsciously, my soul wanted to take me to her. Just for a sacred glance. To touch. To hug its memories. To cherish every stone. There, I saw a little girl playing with her grand-mom. She turned and waved.

I smiled back.

Thursday, March 23

Free this Sunday?

We are planning to go to few ashrams/home to try and contribute how much ever we can. Contributions can be anything. We are looking at providing a days food, old clothes and spending time with them.

Any kind/amount of contribution accepted.
Every little thing makes a difference.

List of homes/ashrams which we are planning to visit:
Andhra Mahila Sabha -
Is a place for approx 150 kids (mentally / physically challenged) studying below 12th Std. They provide education, medication, food & shelter.
Bhavisya Deepam (Ashram for mentally challenged) -
The Place is donated by local Panchayat
Location : Tambaram
No. of inmates : 31
Good Life -
Home for Destitute ,Orphans and Mentally Challenged person.
Location : Tambaram
No of Persons : 72 (including 40 mentally challenged people)
BalaGurukulam
Home for 40 kids inclusive of 15 infants
Location : About 30 minutes from Ambattur OT

Starting with this Sunday, we are visitng Andra Mahila sabha -

11:00 AM - Drawing Competition

1:00 PM - Lunch

2:00 PM - Applying Mehndi & tatoos
4:00 PM - Snacks

If you would like to accompany us, contact :

Vivek - 98406 25848

Suman - 99401 76321

Ashok - 98408 52833

Tuesday, March 14

Dear me!

Your blogging type is Artistic and Passionate

You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great. One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog. And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes. Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.

Whats your blogging personality?

Saturday, March 11

Of Broken Bangles

I would have never written about this. Never.

It was during my school days. I had to take two buses to come back home. Our school was opposite a boys college known for their rowdiness. It was a mainroad from the school to the busstop. But still, we used to take care not to go alone. In two's and threes, we used to juggle ourselves to the busstop. The comments passed were always ignored. As reacting to it might encourage them. My school bag can accomodate long books. But somehow, I never used to place them inside. I used to always hold it close to my chest. Just gripping it as a sanctuary. The every-day bus rides were nightmares. Getting down/into a bus was a sordid affair. I could only see the eager hands, when trying to squeeze out. The college used to have their afternoon batch come at the same time. So the buses were always crowded. I cannot relate to a particular day, when men never used to come close and 'accidentaly' fall on you because of the breaks. I am tall. So I was always requested to hold on to the rails, such that the shorter women could catch the ailes.There were so many days, when you could feel them pressing on to you. Even while sitting, you could just feel them shoving themselves against your shoulders. I remember keeping my bag, trying to hold on to it, while standing, such that it could create a distance. But the other passengers would tell me to give it to somebody who is sitting. Everybody was a stranger. You would not know where to look. Everytime somebody passes, there would be 'accidental' touches falling on your breasts, butts .. it did not matter.

One day, I took my bus. As usual, it was crowded. I realised that one guy was going on staring at me. And slowly, approaching me. Trying to avoid as much as possible, I tried to move closer to ailes with the other women. Before, I realised, he was there right behind me. Trying to stay calm, I murmured whatever came to my mind, at that point. Suddenly, there he was against me. When I looked back, he looked elsewhere. (For information : I was wearing salwar kameez + dupatta) With two more stops gone, and more crowd coming in, he was over me, too close rubbing himself against me. I cringed inwards at the touch. I moved. I looked around. I did not know what to do. He looked like a college guy. He might have been of the same college. It wont take him more days to find out my stop. For the first time, I wished I were a guy. I started towards the other entrance, he followed and thankfully got down at the next stop. Relieved I looked else where out of the window. He made a point to come to where I was looking to show me a thumbs-up sign. I felt cheap. I felt used. And dirty. I looked away only to get down in the next stop to take an auto back home. I had a broken home, then. I used to live with my father. I could not tell my mother over the phone. It stayed with me.

This happened a few months later. I got down from my first bus. I was pretty tired that day. And wanted to take an empty one, such that I could leisurely sit down. The second bus, I was to take, started from that bus stop. To my luck, I found an empty one. Went in and sat. After five minutes, a guy with a beard and lungi, came and sat right behind me. He kept his hands over my aile railing. I did not bother. After a minute, he brought his hand more further. I moved slightly to the front. After a second, I saw that he got his hand as far as my seat back. I turned back to tell him to sit else where. Only to find that he had his lungi up the waist, pointing to his penis and making gestures to me to come to him. I froze. But for a moment. Then clutched my bag and fled. That day I walked back home, tears streaming down my cheeks. The distance did not matter.

How to go? In a crowded bus or an empty one. It did not make a difference anyway.

This happened a year later. My animation classes used to get over at 7pm. But we used to stay back and do more work. One such day, I was returning back at home at around 9.00. The institution was 10 minutes away by walk. I had no two-wheeler then. I was coming back, and I turned towards my street. There was a cyclist coming from the opposite direction. Though it had concerned me little that time. As i was approaching my house, the cyclist grew quite close. He groped for my breast and pinched it hard. I cried. I was petrified. Before I came out of it, he was a good distance away, I ran after him, but..

I told my mom. I did not look at her eyes though. I felt guilty. But is it not supposed to be the other way? Why was I feeling cheap, when the only the action was so? She said,'Maybe beacuse of the shirt you were wearing.' I felt let down. How do I prove to her, a salwar would not have made a difference? I wanted to wash myself. Of his hands. Of his touch. But the impression remained. I felt like Lady Macbeth, trying to wash off . I failed, like her. There was only one streetlight, and I did not even see his face. He could have been there the next day, I would not know. He could have seen me everyday, I would not know. That day, I did not have any folder/long books to protect me. To this day, I still look everywhere when anybody walks towards me. I stop in one place, when there is a crowd trying to avoid groping hands. I still shudder when I think of that day. Deep anguish bringing anger to just..

I have been offered hotel rooms(by some very distinguished personalities), comments passed asking 'how much'(while walking on the road), offered lifts by 40 year olds (why, there was an old man walking right in from of me.. Offer him BASTARD) - Just the old man. Not even old women would be spared just for passing one qualification as a woman.

These were taught in a spirutal class. The three W's. Wine, women and wealth. Considered the most dangerous to Men. Are we objects on par with money and alcohols.

Easy come, easy go, is it?

Why do we get blamed for what we wear?

Even if there were eye-wtinesses, its very hard to come to the conclusion that the guy was at wrong. And sans anyone - We know what happened to Eve.

When I see so many numerous incidents posted, one worser than the next, I think of these government school girls who cling on to crowded buses with ready strings of boys who get in and out. Whom do they confess to? Living everyday as victims to the everyday whims of the opposite sex/

Is this how they celebrate man-hood? Are they so excited in destroying one's innocence. Letchers.

Worst is, when this topic crops up inbetween friends, not even one of them side-steps. Everyone has an incident to offer, that was etched in their minds. None was spared.

And when I see what the others (like what dhoomkethu wrote)are going through, should I feel thankful for having been left till this?

I do not want to get married for protection. I do not want to be somebody's sister, somebody's daughter or somebody's wife to be looked after. Just want to be me. Me. Somebody who could be independant and still be respected as a human. Without a man's shadow lingering.

Thanks to Praveen, for providing the link.

For Blank Noise blogathon, I broke my silence.

Wednesday, March 8

Happy Women's day

Men rule the world, we rule them :D

Sunday, March 5

Happy Birthday S

I used to talk, talk and talk, you used to just be there, silent, listening to my ramblings, stories, complaints and what not! :) I still remember the day at Trade centre, when you came juggling with that Scooty of yours, all the way from Annanagar! The first time I rode your Scooty and then your Yamaha.. What delightful rides. Remember the 'Morementhol' episode :D. And the amount of money we contributed to BSNL! And when we found our liking for the same song. That was one of the best moments ever.
Then you left for Dubai. And I thought, this is it. We'll probably lose touch and never have that connection ever. And I'm glad it turned otherwise, with less calls, more messenger chats and most of all, lots of missed calls :)
I've wondered so many times about,'What if's' in life. And one such was, what if I had not seen you at Saarang, if I had not spoken to you at Image. I would be the same right now, but with an absence of surity that you've given me.

Happy Birthday S, I hope you get the best of everything in life, just like you got Farha as your fiancee and me as a friend *clap* *clap* ;)

Thursday, March 2

Judgement day

The italics are from my own posts. The past week have been reminding me of too many things in the same lines. If you found it too trying, skip them.

If the whole idea of death is forbidden, please revert back to your thoughts and stop reading this. For like-minded creatures,

Death, a simple luxury delayed.

Death is only an end of a wonderful journey and time to look back and reminicise over past musings. Why forbid the word and look aghast if the very word is mentioned in the proximity. When we do go to sleep, we are but semi-conscious. I like to think we are experiencing a living-death. An oxymoron? Sleep itself has enough exoticness. We weave our lucid dreams. Not just the dreams, we are translucent ourselves. Even the most evil men, would seem child-like.

What luxury it is to sleep and never get back again into the war-obsessed-world constantly waging rules. Rules that are made, destroyed, fought over, trampled and again made by the same race at different time-spans. Rules. By whom? and for what?

*Why rope in thousands as soldiers and expect all of them to believe in the same lines as you do? Who gives them the power to command? The one who does, how is his judgement justified? Are the soldiers trained in each country taught to hate the other country alongside their training in artillery*

Rules on how to live?

**Who made the rules, who made the boundaries, who made restrictions? Everything is man-made. Nothing was installed into you the second you were born. We were not in matrix. So whatever values we hold, the judgement of good and bad, all comes out of our family, our society, our community. So in that case, books like Bhagavadgeetha/ Bible/ Kuran and other -way of living books, did not fall from heaven. When earth was formed- either scientifically by black hole or by God in seven days (let there be light!), there were humans. And they survived. On basics. They did not have rules/restrictions. Probably one human fell off from a cliff and never returned back, they decided that they should not go near that. But whatever it was, they believed in what they could see and feel, they survived on what they could eat, all satisfying basic needs. And man was happy. He lived. He learned how to hunt, dig, attack, build from watching other creatures in his surroundings. Whatever posed danger to him, he tried to kill or ended up getting killed. Communication started. They would have named each one with the most simplest sounds. Now, this is the theory. One day, a man from that community, protects the others, maybe by warning that a big green hungry dinosaur was coming by this way. He probably jumped and pointed and rolled and acted every gesture by saving the whole community. That day, they were saved by this one person. So they made him the chief and heaved him with gifts- most probably bone necklaces, one big tooth and several lizard skeletons (treasures of those times)[Random question-Who decided that gold is the most worthiest]. He sun-basked (literally) on those praises. And maybe, maybe this human's name was 'God'. Thats where probably God's word spread around. He became famous as his story was told again and again with more exagerations (with the more jumping and rolling) to every generation. And his "herodom" tripled by the fold and finally, making him invincible and superhuman. Then they made sculptures and paintings to be reminded of him everytime they went to hunt.

Coming back to the first few notes, There was no scriptures then, and man was peaceful. Now we have as many 'guides to god'. Why are we still uneasy. Has not refined and polished technology brought us more woe. Now and then we play hypocrites. Warding it off as some unknown disease. Smiling when we dont want to. Sometimes, people whom we term selfish are actually better off, because, they know what they want and they do it for themselves. And we claim to help, heed to others finally ending up sometimes more unsatisfied. So again, everything is man-made. Wars are.

Think about this situation. Hovering about basics. God/science made earth. Meant that nobody has claim in it whatsoever. If it belongs to one, it belongs to all (including other creatures). And vice-versa. Can you ever term that any particular star is yours? You cant. So, how dare we make boundaries and claim it as 'this is mine and that is yours'. And not only did we stop there. We were selling earth/land and paying the government. So when did this start - that earth belonged to government? Anyways, now we have land to claim that it is ours. Nature brought food. We plucked it from there, and sold it and made money. Only then did we water the plants. What about travelling? Well, you need Visa. Who decids that you are allowed/give permission to travel to other places around the world? Nature decided that only particular animals could live in particular habitats. But we transported the animals everywhere creating artificial temperature, plants and environs. Whom are we cheating? We destroy the forests, and build more homes, pay taxes, use resources. And when the animals, previously living in those forests, enters the area, we kill them - Headlines claiming " Animals enter human territory(!). Duh. Just because, they cannot talk.**

Blah !