Puppet Smiles

What you see is just an illusion created by your own prejudiced mind.
It needs passion to break through your looking glass to break barriers.
The soul has to be pure of its inhibitions to understand clearly.
Only then can you hear the wind chimes of the heart calling out.
It needs less prescence and no words and more silence.
I was cut from a tree and carved to a figure.
Painted, varnished and adorned with jewellery.
I gleamed everytime light caressed me.
A pride to the sculptor's eye.
I was a realm of perfection.
Then I was stringed.
I am, but a puppet.

Busted

I do not know why lot of people I know, dont speak their mind out regarding few topics. Yesterday my friend listened to me patiently when I told him what exactly I had on my mind and wanted to do this minute this second. Usually my narrations are cut short by people calling me insane, to think that way. But it doesnt stop me from thinking does it? A lot of speculations are that, when I describe to them about few things that I've done or going to do, spat comes 'you are mad'. I have this feeling that either, one - they cant imagine themselves doing it, cos of lack of courage, two - they live in denial that it is not possible. Living in denial. That requires another post. When I ask them, why do you deny yourself of something you can change.. they say its the way it should be, which translated to me, they accept things as they are as they are afraid of change and the outcome that it might disarray their normal lives. Where is the sense of adventure?
As I was saying, I was telling my friend X, telling him that I want to leave this place for sometime and take a road trip. (Trip to where) wherever the road leads. Usually he shuts me up cutting me off. But he encouraged me to go on. One thing led to another topic. I found myself telling him too many things. About life. About so many dimensions that have been rendering me confounded.
Why do I want to so badly evacuate this place? Am I escaping, or just plain bored of seeing the same faces over and over again and having the same polite conversations everytime I meet anyone? Anyway, my freind was smart enough to point out, saying as a female part of the species, I am likely to encounter more unpleasant experiences than pleasant ones. I agreed and told him maybe that was stopping me from leaving.. But now thinking about it, I'm hiding behind that reason. That I do not have sufficient courage to pack my bags. That I lack passion and confidence to follow my dream. I am a coward. He also said that, maybe I should probably find somebody (a 'he')equally interested in this kind of trip and not go alone. I joked with him saying, its nowhere possible to find someone as aimless as me. Am I aimless?
Usually when I ask what people want to do with their life, they usually end up sayin they want to earn lots and then travel the world. Even I used to chant the same hymns when asked. But now, the difference is I want to start now. What if I ceased to exist tomorrow?
Sometimes we should never question the purpose of living. But still where are we heading?
What was even more intriguing was that, while I was thinking on these lines, for the past two weeks, I started reading this book by Coelho 'The Zahir'. Which to my surprise had some answers to my question..
It seems like a sign to me.

Most of the times we think we would get happiness when we find somebody whom we can share our rest of our lives with. So from the beginning of our befuddled journey, we start looking out for this special someone. Someone, who can fill that empty space, who can make us feel complete. We encounter so many people everyday. And we like some, we hate some.
When I was little, I used to be fascinated by fairy tales, believing in them. Truly believing that there was a Prince Charming. Whoever wrote them, probably wrote it as an escape from reality. Little did they know, that they spoilt children like me to think and wish and hope for things that could never happen. Imagine, if 'happily ever afters' were so true, (which is what I thought about that time, about my family), well, I cant even go on..
It was so wrong to gender bias us even when we were small. I am sure the boys in my family would have recieved basketball or cricket bat as birthday presents and us, more 'choppu' things..small pressure cookers.. I'm not complainig about it. But I've played this house-house thingy with a boy. What more. He enjoyed it too. I am damn sure, if I demand his memory of even playing with me, he 'll probably laugh out loud and say I imagined the whole thing. Classic living in denial case. Why do you need to be ashamed of it?
Back again, So I meet a lot of people. And as I said, I like some, hate some. And pick out a few characteristics from each one and add it to my ideal man. My prnice charming. Call me kiddish. I dont live in denial. And I'm sure most of them do it. Waiting for their perfect bed of roses to drop by. No I'm not dreamy. And there is nothing called the ideal person. But whats wrong in a little hope to live the day by?
Sometimes this hope becomes an obsession, of searching for that 'one' person in others. Searching for that 'Zahir'. The belief, finding Zahir ONLY can give us happiness.

Years back, I thought I'll be happy with the perfect man, with perfect children going to perfect schools. I used to believe happiness lies when I have a man by my side. People say that falling in love is kind of a dangerous pit. That it is very difficult to come out of. I do not know why these people thought of love as a prison, when its quite contrary and is the very definition of unlimited freedom. A freedom that can surpass all, that can make even a prisoner feel free in barred boundaries. And freedom comes only with acceptance. The minute we pinpoint the faults in others, trying to make them adjust to our lifestyle, trying to 'correct' them to our standards and vice versa, and expecting them to change.. well thats when we feel bound. We feel tied and try to please the others..keep up to their expectations. Ultimately, people blame love, to have done this to them. Its the people who commit the mistakes and love gets the blame. Love, by far, the most rawest energy, yet to be tapped and explored, love, which is a journey to be experienced, is blamed for their sufferings.

When I realised this I stopped imagining. Prince or no prince, I knew I'll have this new found freedom to live life free of the tangles of expectations and disappointments, all I want is a person whom I can give much more, who believes in similar yet have different insights offer me more knowledge and help me be.

I used to have this recurring dream. That I was married to this rich guy. Extremely filthy rich. But there was no love in the family. Everything was extremely mechanical. Yesterday I had that dream. Only, I started running away from the big building. It started raining. I took shelter under this shade, feeling extremely cold. And suddenly two strong hands from behind hugged me. I felt secured. But I was clutching myself, rigid, fear of letting go of myself to enjoy what I was offered. The person behind me asked if he was making me uncomfortable, was it ok if he hugged me, why was I hesitating. Only then I let go and said, I am warm and happy. Before I could turn back and look, I woke up. I'll never know..

Clearing up the cobwebs

Another flap in the diary, another sand trickles down the hour glass and we move on. Its only obvious that I look back on what happened in these last 350 odd days. I see myself moved on to a different demented level. To a wider stage, exposed to an insane full forced-bright spot light hitting me on my face. Pity, it only makes me blink and creates more shadows.

I love labelling. And pasting and reinventing and messing then again organising. You know what happens when the same is applied to people? Me. The intriguing part is the 'state of being'. A case of Salsa. Balancing at both ends while I do my swivels. The faster I do, I lose my balance and fall on my partner. Only, here I need to support and strive myself. And when I do, yet again there is the mirror, that noone can avoid.

I learnt,

that kidding oneself into believing is one of the worst things that you can do to yourself. The whole process of turning into a hypocrite.

to never walk into Saravana Selvarathnam Stores unchaperoned. The whole place is like Vanarapetta kuppam with rows of clothing strewn about, desperately needing fluorescent coloured policemen to guide strolling crawling kids away from their mothers, who amuse themselves with sneha's silk sarees.

that being chauffered in Mercedes Benz back home at 1'O Clock is one of the most ecstatic feeling ever.

to trust my instinct more than ever especially while judging people.

that I get attracted to people when they are boisterous about life.

to gain strength in the things I lose.

to accept people as they are (a very tough one). Neither can I change them if I wanted to, as change comes from within, nor can I blame them for being so. They wouldn't be themselves, which loses identity. They are special as they are.

that I still cant stand injustice.

that listening to koothu songs in the same Mercedes, well is a different experience ;)

that how much ever I try and plan, I love the unpredictability better.

that nothing is worth being extremely tensed about. Everything has a lighter angle to it, that can cheer up any situation.

being a fool is way better than a joker.

to feel guilt and take responsibility.

that I treasure my friends. (Love u, P)

that I am the one who make myself depressed and happy.

falling in love with someone, brings happiness just with that knowledge. You dont even need to know or be with that person. An omnipresence of the mind caves you in.

that I really push myself too much at work and if anybody else butts in, I'm lost. And that I criticise myself too much too to the end of hurting my own confidence and pride.

working on New Years Eve brings people closer.

that after four drinks I cant walk steady. And that I am in top form the very next day in the a.m.

that this year is definitely going to be my year of travel.

and I feel loved. Nothing can top this.

Wishing all you guys, a very Happy New Year.
And a belated happy birthday P, (sorry d, that I dint make the call)

Aasai nooruvagai vazhvil nooru suvai, vaa!